i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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