life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
