The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You can't just leave with hair like that
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize