i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
