I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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