When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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