You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
