dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
