I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
