my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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