Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
