I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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