when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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