I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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