so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
