I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
