she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
