There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
