So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
