just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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