shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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