My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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