He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
