Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
