drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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