Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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