I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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