Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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