i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
