i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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