I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
