I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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