dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
