from now on my penis is your penis
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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