i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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