I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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