So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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