Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
A bitchslap is in order.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
