He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
