I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
