Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
