she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
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Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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