If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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