I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
