If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
