Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
