"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
