you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
