I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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