dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
