I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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