So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
