escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
