I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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