I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
