Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
